Smart People, Dumb Decisions: Why Geniuses Can’t Stop Drinking

There’s a new “study” (a.k.a. something we saw on the internet and decided to believe immediately) claiming that people with high IQs are three times more likely to be alcoholics. And honestly, after thinking about it for five minutes, it makes perfect sense.

Because let’s face it — if your brain’s running 10x faster than everyone else’s, you need something to slow it down.

Einstein cracked the code of the universe, but he probably also cracked open a cold one right after. And Stephen Hawking? He literally rewrote the laws of physics — you don’t do that sober.

Let’s break it down:

• Average IQ = Average beer.
  You drink Bud Light, talk about the weather, and go to bed by 11.
• High IQ = High tolerance for existential dread.
  You understand too much about how the world works, which leads directly to: “Might as well have another pint.”

Geniuses don’t drink to party — they drink to cope with the fact that they understand time is an illusion, the universe is expanding, and their group chat still thinks “crypto’s coming back.”

It Starts Innocent Enough…

First, it’s a glass of wine while reading Nietzsche. Then it’s whiskey while calculating black holes. Next thing you know, you’re explaining quantum mechanics to the bartender and tipping 60% because you’ve “finally figured out the meaning of life.”

They say alcohol lowers inhibitions — but for smart people, it just lowers the volume on their overthinking.

Let’s be honest — the evidence is everywhere:

• Hemingway — wrote masterpieces, drank like a pirate.
• Newton — discovered gravity, but couldn’t keep his spirits grounded.
• Einstein — allegedly once said, “Beer is proof that God loves physicists.” (Okay, maybe he didn’t, but he should have.)

Even Socrates probably invented the first hangover cure: “Water mixed with regret.”

The Downside of Knowing Too Much

Imagine being a genius. You’re constantly aware of how chaotic the world is, how meaningless most things are, and how bad everyone else is at parallel parking.

You don’t drink because you’re reckless. You drink because you understand too much.

The rest of us drink to forget a bad day. High-IQ drinkers? They’re trying to forget the human condition.

So… Are Smart People Doomed to Be Boozy?

Not necessarily. But if you ever meet someone who says, “I don’t really drink,” and they also think 2+2=5, just smile and nod — ignorance might actually be bliss.

Meanwhile, the high-IQ crew is at the bar, passionately debating whether time travel would make happy hour last forever.

Final Thoughts

So next time you wake up with a hangover and can’t remember what planet you’re on, don’t feel bad. Just tell yourself, “I’m not an alcoholic — I’m just gifted.”

Raise a glass to the thinkers, the tinkerers, the intellectuals, and the “hold my beer, I have an idea” crowd.

Because apparently, the smarter you are, the more likely you are to need a drink to survive it.

Cheers to brains and beers. 🍻